Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are