Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I Can’t Tonight…
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
“Worm Regards”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Mad Max Arctic Road
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.