shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
decorating my apartment
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.