Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.