shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
You Might Also Like
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.