Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!