Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Mood.. 😂

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

I feel attacked.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel