**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.