Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that