*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me