Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

What?!?

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Couple goals

I miss this era type of pranks😭