Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?