Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
cyclists
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I disagree with my politics
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.