Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying