Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains