@CatherineLMK

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

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@hellohappy_time

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

@Dildotron

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@lucky_300

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

@HeyoShellz

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

@thedadvocate01

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.