My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google.
Placing my signature wherever i go. Because, signature move!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
i can’t believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.