shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
You Might Also Like
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Social distancing in Australia:
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms