Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi