*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
This was a bad idea all around
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.