*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
This guy gets it.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Ironic
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other