*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
i hate you platonically
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball