*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone