*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
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a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.