Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

is he marrying that labradoodle

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

So Hamburger help me, God

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.