shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The news
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.