Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

I would move hell over six inches for you

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.