So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
did it work
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8