That’s what I call a flat tire
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.