Shakira: It’s not you, it’s me

Soon to be ex boyfriend: *looks at her hips*

Shakiras hips: It totally is you, you breathe far too heavily

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People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”


Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep


Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.


me: i’m sad

rich people: then remove yourself from your toxic environment. quit your job now and fly to milan. shop for a week straight and buy a yacht it helps me heal. build a house in the tropics and drink fresh fruit juice the power is yours don’t be lazy and complain


When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.


“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”


It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.


Sending 17 text messages explaining why you’re not crazy seems a little counterintuitive.


*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*