shakira sharkira
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Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*