shakira sharkira
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Seems legit
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
January has been Januweary
B
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!