shakira sharkira
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
*limbos away from your hug*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Writing, She Murdered.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave