Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God