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I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.