shakira sharkira
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’m awake but I object,
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.