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Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*