Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.