Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
this article brought to you by lions
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
