Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me, flirting😏
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…