Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
mood
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined