Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
getting groceries
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Bobby pin
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT