Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

He has no idea 🤡

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!