Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“Huge”.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.