Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
This is my pinned tweet
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I don’t believe him.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.