Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

Name this drama.

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!