Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I’m calling the cops.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.