Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
You Might Also Like
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”