Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
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[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
When I laugh on my period
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade