Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

good let them take over I have had enough

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok