Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
You Might Also Like
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs