“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
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A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I put the hot in psychotic.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti