“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
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When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
smartest karate player in the world
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.