“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
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I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
And that about sums it up.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.