Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Smile they said.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise