Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
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Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
OH. COME. ON.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?