Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
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Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
LOL
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great