Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
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dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn