“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
next question.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.