Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
#parenting
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
