Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I drew y’all a little something.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
grandpa was shocked
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
