Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
