Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

A Short Story.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons