Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

◾️

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

why I oughta

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna