SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

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“I’ve built a model of Mount Everest”
“Is that to scale?”
“No, just to look at”


I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up


Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”


I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.


Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.


“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.


Helping 21 with her finances.

21: How’s my credit?

Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.