SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
You Might Also Like
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
saving face 👀
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
this could fix me
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?