shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
You Might Also Like
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
is he marrying that labradoodle
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria