Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.