[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
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My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady