[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
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People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Good morning y’all ☀️
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish