Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.