Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
You Might Also Like
who wore it better?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.