Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
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this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
*limbos away from your hug*
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions