Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

smh

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

I’m too immature for adultery.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.