shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
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An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE