Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it