Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
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Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.