Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
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God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!