shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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What the hell is going on?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested