shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
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When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
it is time once again
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I am all good here, 😂😉
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Bring back the McRib
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Bike for sale
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found